mangled meanings..

The darkness within engulfs the outer presence.. Am I sinking or am I just surfacing.. does the true essence of once personality comes in the darkest of all times???

Is there a destination? or are we better without one?? shall I just follow those basic of all instincts?? how many of us do?? but if it is that personal then why is it about others?

How can you have target to aim at when all you want to do is destroy the last shreds of communal loving into pieces??

Will I ever straighten out this twisted, intoxicated, morsel of a life??? Or do I enjoy the flow of nothingness way too much?

Why don't you find amusements in these anecdotes of life any more??

When did the guilty pleasures lost there 'guilt' ????

Is it time to stop asking questions ans start building up answers??

I think it is.... ;)

what time it is????

Its 6.30 in evening, i am at my apartment, how??? i shouldn't be here.. i have a pizza and im drinking something out of a bottle... is this correct??? okay its not correct.. what is the last thing i remember??? okay i was trying to figure out the elasto plastic behavior of multistory buildings under dynamic loading.. does that sounds smart?? well it is.. :) hmmm after that i imbibed something.. and the next thing i remember, I'm infront of gate.. u need a student ID and a ID to get in, i got them both and left them in the car.. why?? it was too windy....

okay we started walking around the parameter.. its long.. loo and behold, some body opened a gate, i m in.. I'm at the center of the party...

"How did we get in here??" i ask Garett...
"I dont know!!!!" comes the reply....
he is as surprised as I'm....
WE ARE THIRSTY!!!!!!!

I see a last name tattooed on a back-- It says "AVERELL"...
I know that last name..... I trace it through the crowd, ooh yeah thats my room mate "Pat"....
I find him out...
Pat has a drink...... how???
Pat says i need to get a cup.. okay????
somebody hands me a cup....
"Good..."
I'm not thirsty any more.. Life is beautiful....

We do a lap...

I slap hands with boys I have known for some time....
"What Time is it?"
Its just 3 o clock...
I want to sit down.... "X" gets some pouches...
They are good...

Two girls are kissing each other.. Haven,t seen that before.. good.. :)
another lap.. some more home boys.. as they call them... :)...

It's too hot to take off the shades.... the shades are gift from some one lost loong time ago.. hope she is fine.....
what time it is??
"It's 4 o clock"...

There are a bunch of girls up on the balcony.. they are putting up a show for us... we are shouting... A strong wind is blowing.. my friend throws a football spot on to the balcony.. people are screaming.. we want some 't.....s'

some body throws ice on me.... then hands me a pouch.. lifes still good..

We are heading home.. Pick up some liquids on the way... I want to drive the BMW.. my freinds hands it to me.. it FLIES...... sun is low.. lifes good.. We are back... Pizza comes over.. and the bottle...

I want to write.. I do,..

Tonight is a friends bday.. we are going out again..
Lifes still good....
Waiting.... Wishing...

sunday evenings and a road in banglore...

hi,

after a long time i am in a state at which i use to spend all my sunday evenings back in bangalore.... the sweatnes of evening comming along, the light warmth of dusky sun slowly openning your pores.. the oncomming chill in the wind, the lightness of vision and heavyness of thoughts... those taste buds which open up, the smell of rustlling leaves fullfilling your entity.. those floating dreams in blue haze... those wind chime music of ringing laughter from those preaty lips... a fludity, subtel yet so turbid enough to stop the conversations between nerve endings........ ohh i miss that bliss of carelessness.... and i miss my freinds.... miss my beast between the legs, a throbbing, thumping flying ride, my bike.. ;) flotation on this magic carpet of memories is the best ride i have had..

till the next time,
keep LIVING!!!!!!
Alastor(sid).......

gorakhpur to gainesville...

its -2 degrees outside in gainesville Florida and sky is cast with clouds.. whoever said it doesnt gets cold in florida didnt had his facts straight... was born in gorakhpur a "not so big" town of hinterland of uttar pradesh, a place with existent rules and law but not a single soul who follows them.. truly in a wicked cool sort of way "a land of free".... so u understand why i laughed my ass off when i learned that pedestrians have "right of way" in this country.. i had to make very huge attitude changes once i landed here...

Indians dont get depressed, its because we always have company.. there you search for solitude, here u search for company... i was a loner in my teans and early twenties, and became a social animal by the time i hit mid twenties... i loved to just sit on the door steps alone for 52 hours of train ride in those days, with a peaceful serenity and solitude of the countryside passing by.. right nw if u will tell me to do that i will probably just throw myself outside of that moving train.. on a second thought may be not... gist of the matter-"people change."

this small time america is far from hustle and bustle of banglore where i lived for the last 8 years.. and when i think the number of people i have met and forgotten during those times, just humbles me down... sure this town has clubs and bars and all sort of entertainments for the young and vibrant, but i miss the laid back attitude of banglore.. i miss walking down the downtown on sunday afternoons to meet freinds for food, drinks and other stuffs.. there i always had people around, somebody was upto something always.. here u have to make plans and call people and check with them and they will probably open ther schedule books and then tell u "ooh, ya i can do that..

I miss that totally indian concept of just showing up.. i ment just show up to a friends place.. give a knock and see if anybody is in.. if they are, its just great.. if they are not find another door to knock.. no plans to make, no schedule to follow.. just pure fluidity of life without a plan... thats hw i use to live life and may be there is this tiny bit of spark of hope inside which tells me that i will get there again.. till that time, i will just have to deal with those dammed schedulers and date books...

Till the next time I start loosing my mind again.. :)

keep on rocking...

"When u stand at the edge of Cliff jump to FLY not to fall"... well I did FLY...

What did u to today? Was it the same mundane, routine day.. or was there a bit of excitement? Did u ace a test? Did a pretty girl smiled at you on the bus? Did u got into a fight? Did you purpose some body? :)... well I'm not collecting data for any survey foundations.. i was just building up a beginning..

What did i do last saturday? This is what I Did-

My alarm rang by 5:30 in the morning, but it didnt woke me up.. I was already up.. i have bean up for almost an hour.. took a shower and as was advised the night before, got into a pair of shorts and an easy t shirt.. apparently anything tighter would have hampered in my further proceedings during the day. It was still dark when i started walking towards the gas station almost a mile away. Although this is florida, it can still get as low as 8 degrees early in the morning..

Johnathan was waiting for me at the gas station in his car.. we took a ride to wallmart somewhere in the middle of the city... and from there continued on to this place known as "Palatka".. yeah thats a weird sounding name, but its a place where anybody in the 500 miles of radius of where i live goes to jump out of am aeroplain :D.. yeah this day was a dream come true.. i was finally going to skydive..

A weak before, when i saw the table for the "Falling gators" i knew i was gonna do it.. i decided not to do a tandem jump ( its where ur tied to an expert diver and just enjoy the fall, i also think its for pussies.. :) ).... i have decided to do an AFF-"Accelerated Free Fall" course. Its a 7 jump course where u learn to start jumping on your own.. and u jump on your own right from your firts jump... its a great feeling, letting go of your destiny and then regaining control over it somewhere around 13000 feet when ur dropping at close to 200 Km/hour...

The silent roads and rock music took us to our "Drop Zone".. we already had a 4 hour tarining in the body positions and emergency procedures the night before.. now we were given a on the ground annalysis of the drop zones with the wind directions.. it helps to plot your landing patern.. because you need that to land safely while flying your own parachute(yes another thing that u miss in the tandem, here you fly ur own parachute..)..

Next was turn to know what to do during various parachute malfunctions( this is about the time when it starts getting to you that u may be a little crazy to do this).. you are trained for another 2 hours in your exit counts and drop routine.. you dont just jump out of a plain, you need to show that ur aware and in your senses by doing some routines and practise touches to the chute ( i explain the routine to my instructor in the middle of the video..)...

Then we just practiced and practiced.. saw a couple of our group jump to.. lot of them were good and few of them just blacked out after going into the dive.. after all it is a "Sensory Overload" after u have jumped...
Around 4 P,m it was time for me to take the plunge... there is a video below for you to see for yourself.. when i sat down at the door of the plain, i was not worried abt the fall, i was worried abt my routine more... any hw i jumped and seriously i dont remember the first 3 secs of it.. my instructors shook me and thats when i woke up.. did my first routine and saw a thumbs-up sign(Thats hw we communicate in air.. by some 20 signs)from my instructor. Was done with my routine by 10,000 feet and just flew the rest of it till 5500 feet. it was the most awsome feeling in the world.. words cant describe it and frankly u have to go jump on your own to see whats it like..

once the chute opened i found myself meters off the base, with the wind in the opposing directions..
and there was no response on the radio.. quite frankly i prepared myself for a landing in the trees and a few broken bones if i was lucky.. self corrected my course but still was found myself just meters inside the boundary of the drop zone... finally i heard a sound on the radio "Sid give me a right turn..".. apparently they have forgotten the radio at the base and have to go back to get it... simply brilliant... next problem, i saw that i was gonna land on the runway and there was a freaking mother of god airplane on the same runway coming right in my directions.. got me worried for next 3 minutes till it turned and taxid away.. only thing i remember after that is myself screaming with joy.. the adrenaline has died down.. and i had made it.... and im going back for more thats for sure...

till the next time.. :D

silence and loud voices..

I only write when im out of mind.. io guess thats the case now.. here i am.. listenning to one of my faviourtes.. behind blue eyes.. the songs describes my life.. my love is vengence its never freeeeeee.. ha ha ha ha ha ha.. i need a price for u to pay.. always do.. wil hurt u, will love u, will question u, will be there analyzing ur life when u dont want me to.. but i wont stop.. :).. kurt cobaim said "i better be dead before i turn into pete townshead", but i guess on this ocasion he was right.. my concious is not empty.. it will never be.. to every one i have ever heart.. thats the way it was uppose to be.. i am not sorry, i wont be.. thats how I am.. like it or hate it.. if u dont understand me listen to song...

a dear freind departed...

today is the worst night of my life.. i just cant beer it.. i had a very very very dear freind when i was in delhi.. his name was "shaswath das".. and today when i called him up.. his dad picked up the phone.. he told me in straight forward words that he has expired... my freind was a liutenant in indian army and i cant beleive what his dad was saying to me... my freind was here in bangalore last time in july august when he was here for a tournament.. we had a nice time during those days.. he was off too meeting his galfreinds and once he was back, we were just drinking and had fun.. i still dont believe that he is no more.. its not for me to digest the whole thing.. a man soo full of life some one who promised to abduct my love if she wasnt willing to comming along with me.. my brother you are going to heavenn,, no doubts about it.. i still cant beleive it.. i may join you soon enough.. i hope u doo.. coz this isint worth living.. rest in peace... what was i thinking.. miss you brother.. always will... sorry i wasnt there.. dammm..