gorakhpur to gainesville...

its -2 degrees outside in gainesville Florida and sky is cast with clouds.. whoever said it doesnt gets cold in florida didnt had his facts straight... was born in gorakhpur a "not so big" town of hinterland of uttar pradesh, a place with existent rules and law but not a single soul who follows them.. truly in a wicked cool sort of way "a land of free".... so u understand why i laughed my ass off when i learned that pedestrians have "right of way" in this country.. i had to make very huge attitude changes once i landed here...

Indians dont get depressed, its because we always have company.. there you search for solitude, here u search for company... i was a loner in my teans and early twenties, and became a social animal by the time i hit mid twenties... i loved to just sit on the door steps alone for 52 hours of train ride in those days, with a peaceful serenity and solitude of the countryside passing by.. right nw if u will tell me to do that i will probably just throw myself outside of that moving train.. on a second thought may be not... gist of the matter-"people change."

this small time america is far from hustle and bustle of banglore where i lived for the last 8 years.. and when i think the number of people i have met and forgotten during those times, just humbles me down... sure this town has clubs and bars and all sort of entertainments for the young and vibrant, but i miss the laid back attitude of banglore.. i miss walking down the downtown on sunday afternoons to meet freinds for food, drinks and other stuffs.. there i always had people around, somebody was upto something always.. here u have to make plans and call people and check with them and they will probably open ther schedule books and then tell u "ooh, ya i can do that..

I miss that totally indian concept of just showing up.. i ment just show up to a friends place.. give a knock and see if anybody is in.. if they are, its just great.. if they are not find another door to knock.. no plans to make, no schedule to follow.. just pure fluidity of life without a plan... thats hw i use to live life and may be there is this tiny bit of spark of hope inside which tells me that i will get there again.. till that time, i will just have to deal with those dammed schedulers and date books...

Till the next time I start loosing my mind again.. :)

keep on rocking...

a dear freind departed...

today is the worst night of my life.. i just cant beer it.. i had a very very very dear freind when i was in delhi.. his name was "shaswath das".. and today when i called him up.. his dad picked up the phone.. he told me in straight forward words that he has expired... my freind was a liutenant in indian army and i cant beleive what his dad was saying to me... my freind was here in bangalore last time in july august when he was here for a tournament.. we had a nice time during those days.. he was off too meeting his galfreinds and once he was back, we were just drinking and had fun.. i still dont believe that he is no more.. its not for me to digest the whole thing.. a man soo full of life some one who promised to abduct my love if she wasnt willing to comming along with me.. my brother you are going to heavenn,, no doubts about it.. i still cant beleive it.. i may join you soon enough.. i hope u doo.. coz this isint worth living.. rest in peace... what was i thinking.. miss you brother.. always will... sorry i wasnt there.. dammm..

RAAT KE MUSAFIR....

well.. i wrote something here.. which was good.. but it got deleted somehow.. I'm just trying to remember what i wrote.. it was good and inspiring.. unlike me.. off late i have begun to think why am i living.. I'm sorry if i only write about me.. but i cant help it.. its my favourite topic... this blog if any one reads it could be called as the best self centered blog.. but then.. is int it that all the humans have a feeling of self importance?? (else they wont bother writing a blog..) its just a wish to tell people what we did.. or how we did.. or how we feel.. but its all about our self.. any way i am straying away from a topic.. i planned to say that i loved this movie called gulaal.. go watch it if u haven't.. and do wait for credits to roll, because then it has the best song of the movie called "raat ke musafir tu bhaagna sambhal ke, potli mein teri hoo aag na sambhal ke.. " adios..

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you