mangled meanings..

The darkness within engulfs the outer presence.. Am I sinking or am I just surfacing.. does the true essence of once personality comes in the darkest of all times???

Is there a destination? or are we better without one?? shall I just follow those basic of all instincts?? how many of us do?? but if it is that personal then why is it about others?

How can you have target to aim at when all you want to do is destroy the last shreds of communal loving into pieces??

Will I ever straighten out this twisted, intoxicated, morsel of a life??? Or do I enjoy the flow of nothingness way too much?

Why don't you find amusements in these anecdotes of life any more??

When did the guilty pleasures lost there 'guilt' ????

Is it time to stop asking questions ans start building up answers??

I think it is.... ;)

what time it is????

Its 6.30 in evening, i am at my apartment, how??? i shouldn't be here.. i have a pizza and im drinking something out of a bottle... is this correct??? okay its not correct.. what is the last thing i remember??? okay i was trying to figure out the elasto plastic behavior of multistory buildings under dynamic loading.. does that sounds smart?? well it is.. :) hmmm after that i imbibed something.. and the next thing i remember, I'm infront of gate.. u need a student ID and a ID to get in, i got them both and left them in the car.. why?? it was too windy....

okay we started walking around the parameter.. its long.. loo and behold, some body opened a gate, i m in.. I'm at the center of the party...

"How did we get in here??" i ask Garett...
"I dont know!!!!" comes the reply....
he is as surprised as I'm....
WE ARE THIRSTY!!!!!!!

I see a last name tattooed on a back-- It says "AVERELL"...
I know that last name..... I trace it through the crowd, ooh yeah thats my room mate "Pat"....
I find him out...
Pat has a drink...... how???
Pat says i need to get a cup.. okay????
somebody hands me a cup....
"Good..."
I'm not thirsty any more.. Life is beautiful....

We do a lap...

I slap hands with boys I have known for some time....
"What Time is it?"
Its just 3 o clock...
I want to sit down.... "X" gets some pouches...
They are good...

Two girls are kissing each other.. Haven,t seen that before.. good.. :)
another lap.. some more home boys.. as they call them... :)...

It's too hot to take off the shades.... the shades are gift from some one lost loong time ago.. hope she is fine.....
what time it is??
"It's 4 o clock"...

There are a bunch of girls up on the balcony.. they are putting up a show for us... we are shouting... A strong wind is blowing.. my friend throws a football spot on to the balcony.. people are screaming.. we want some 't.....s'

some body throws ice on me.... then hands me a pouch.. lifes still good..

We are heading home.. Pick up some liquids on the way... I want to drive the BMW.. my freinds hands it to me.. it FLIES...... sun is low.. lifes good.. We are back... Pizza comes over.. and the bottle...

I want to write.. I do,..

Tonight is a friends bday.. we are going out again..
Lifes still good....
Waiting.... Wishing...

sunday evenings and a road in banglore...

hi,

after a long time i am in a state at which i use to spend all my sunday evenings back in bangalore.... the sweatnes of evening comming along, the light warmth of dusky sun slowly openning your pores.. the oncomming chill in the wind, the lightness of vision and heavyness of thoughts... those taste buds which open up, the smell of rustlling leaves fullfilling your entity.. those floating dreams in blue haze... those wind chime music of ringing laughter from those preaty lips... a fludity, subtel yet so turbid enough to stop the conversations between nerve endings........ ohh i miss that bliss of carelessness.... and i miss my freinds.... miss my beast between the legs, a throbbing, thumping flying ride, my bike.. ;) flotation on this magic carpet of memories is the best ride i have had..

till the next time,
keep LIVING!!!!!!
Alastor(sid).......

gorakhpur to gainesville...

its -2 degrees outside in gainesville Florida and sky is cast with clouds.. whoever said it doesnt gets cold in florida didnt had his facts straight... was born in gorakhpur a "not so big" town of hinterland of uttar pradesh, a place with existent rules and law but not a single soul who follows them.. truly in a wicked cool sort of way "a land of free".... so u understand why i laughed my ass off when i learned that pedestrians have "right of way" in this country.. i had to make very huge attitude changes once i landed here...

Indians dont get depressed, its because we always have company.. there you search for solitude, here u search for company... i was a loner in my teans and early twenties, and became a social animal by the time i hit mid twenties... i loved to just sit on the door steps alone for 52 hours of train ride in those days, with a peaceful serenity and solitude of the countryside passing by.. right nw if u will tell me to do that i will probably just throw myself outside of that moving train.. on a second thought may be not... gist of the matter-"people change."

this small time america is far from hustle and bustle of banglore where i lived for the last 8 years.. and when i think the number of people i have met and forgotten during those times, just humbles me down... sure this town has clubs and bars and all sort of entertainments for the young and vibrant, but i miss the laid back attitude of banglore.. i miss walking down the downtown on sunday afternoons to meet freinds for food, drinks and other stuffs.. there i always had people around, somebody was upto something always.. here u have to make plans and call people and check with them and they will probably open ther schedule books and then tell u "ooh, ya i can do that..

I miss that totally indian concept of just showing up.. i ment just show up to a friends place.. give a knock and see if anybody is in.. if they are, its just great.. if they are not find another door to knock.. no plans to make, no schedule to follow.. just pure fluidity of life without a plan... thats hw i use to live life and may be there is this tiny bit of spark of hope inside which tells me that i will get there again.. till that time, i will just have to deal with those dammed schedulers and date books...

Till the next time I start loosing my mind again.. :)

keep on rocking...

"When u stand at the edge of Cliff jump to FLY not to fall"... well I did FLY...

What did u to today? Was it the same mundane, routine day.. or was there a bit of excitement? Did u ace a test? Did a pretty girl smiled at you on the bus? Did u got into a fight? Did you purpose some body? :)... well I'm not collecting data for any survey foundations.. i was just building up a beginning..

What did i do last saturday? This is what I Did-

My alarm rang by 5:30 in the morning, but it didnt woke me up.. I was already up.. i have bean up for almost an hour.. took a shower and as was advised the night before, got into a pair of shorts and an easy t shirt.. apparently anything tighter would have hampered in my further proceedings during the day. It was still dark when i started walking towards the gas station almost a mile away. Although this is florida, it can still get as low as 8 degrees early in the morning..

Johnathan was waiting for me at the gas station in his car.. we took a ride to wallmart somewhere in the middle of the city... and from there continued on to this place known as "Palatka".. yeah thats a weird sounding name, but its a place where anybody in the 500 miles of radius of where i live goes to jump out of am aeroplain :D.. yeah this day was a dream come true.. i was finally going to skydive..

A weak before, when i saw the table for the "Falling gators" i knew i was gonna do it.. i decided not to do a tandem jump ( its where ur tied to an expert diver and just enjoy the fall, i also think its for pussies.. :) ).... i have decided to do an AFF-"Accelerated Free Fall" course. Its a 7 jump course where u learn to start jumping on your own.. and u jump on your own right from your firts jump... its a great feeling, letting go of your destiny and then regaining control over it somewhere around 13000 feet when ur dropping at close to 200 Km/hour...

The silent roads and rock music took us to our "Drop Zone".. we already had a 4 hour tarining in the body positions and emergency procedures the night before.. now we were given a on the ground annalysis of the drop zones with the wind directions.. it helps to plot your landing patern.. because you need that to land safely while flying your own parachute(yes another thing that u miss in the tandem, here you fly ur own parachute..)..

Next was turn to know what to do during various parachute malfunctions( this is about the time when it starts getting to you that u may be a little crazy to do this).. you are trained for another 2 hours in your exit counts and drop routine.. you dont just jump out of a plain, you need to show that ur aware and in your senses by doing some routines and practise touches to the chute ( i explain the routine to my instructor in the middle of the video..)...

Then we just practiced and practiced.. saw a couple of our group jump to.. lot of them were good and few of them just blacked out after going into the dive.. after all it is a "Sensory Overload" after u have jumped...
Around 4 P,m it was time for me to take the plunge... there is a video below for you to see for yourself.. when i sat down at the door of the plain, i was not worried abt the fall, i was worried abt my routine more... any hw i jumped and seriously i dont remember the first 3 secs of it.. my instructors shook me and thats when i woke up.. did my first routine and saw a thumbs-up sign(Thats hw we communicate in air.. by some 20 signs)from my instructor. Was done with my routine by 10,000 feet and just flew the rest of it till 5500 feet. it was the most awsome feeling in the world.. words cant describe it and frankly u have to go jump on your own to see whats it like..

once the chute opened i found myself meters off the base, with the wind in the opposing directions..
and there was no response on the radio.. quite frankly i prepared myself for a landing in the trees and a few broken bones if i was lucky.. self corrected my course but still was found myself just meters inside the boundary of the drop zone... finally i heard a sound on the radio "Sid give me a right turn..".. apparently they have forgotten the radio at the base and have to go back to get it... simply brilliant... next problem, i saw that i was gonna land on the runway and there was a freaking mother of god airplane on the same runway coming right in my directions.. got me worried for next 3 minutes till it turned and taxid away.. only thing i remember after that is myself screaming with joy.. the adrenaline has died down.. and i had made it.... and im going back for more thats for sure...

till the next time.. :D

silence and loud voices..

I only write when im out of mind.. io guess thats the case now.. here i am.. listenning to one of my faviourtes.. behind blue eyes.. the songs describes my life.. my love is vengence its never freeeeeee.. ha ha ha ha ha ha.. i need a price for u to pay.. always do.. wil hurt u, will love u, will question u, will be there analyzing ur life when u dont want me to.. but i wont stop.. :).. kurt cobaim said "i better be dead before i turn into pete townshead", but i guess on this ocasion he was right.. my concious is not empty.. it will never be.. to every one i have ever heart.. thats the way it was uppose to be.. i am not sorry, i wont be.. thats how I am.. like it or hate it.. if u dont understand me listen to song...

a dear freind departed...

today is the worst night of my life.. i just cant beer it.. i had a very very very dear freind when i was in delhi.. his name was "shaswath das".. and today when i called him up.. his dad picked up the phone.. he told me in straight forward words that he has expired... my freind was a liutenant in indian army and i cant beleive what his dad was saying to me... my freind was here in bangalore last time in july august when he was here for a tournament.. we had a nice time during those days.. he was off too meeting his galfreinds and once he was back, we were just drinking and had fun.. i still dont believe that he is no more.. its not for me to digest the whole thing.. a man soo full of life some one who promised to abduct my love if she wasnt willing to comming along with me.. my brother you are going to heavenn,, no doubts about it.. i still cant beleive it.. i may join you soon enough.. i hope u doo.. coz this isint worth living.. rest in peace... what was i thinking.. miss you brother.. always will... sorry i wasnt there.. dammm..

RAAT KE MUSAFIR....

well.. i wrote something here.. which was good.. but it got deleted somehow.. I'm just trying to remember what i wrote.. it was good and inspiring.. unlike me.. off late i have begun to think why am i living.. I'm sorry if i only write about me.. but i cant help it.. its my favourite topic... this blog if any one reads it could be called as the best self centered blog.. but then.. is int it that all the humans have a feeling of self importance?? (else they wont bother writing a blog..) its just a wish to tell people what we did.. or how we did.. or how we feel.. but its all about our self.. any way i am straying away from a topic.. i planned to say that i loved this movie called gulaal.. go watch it if u haven't.. and do wait for credits to roll, because then it has the best song of the movie called "raat ke musafir tu bhaagna sambhal ke, potli mein teri hoo aag na sambhal ke.. " adios..

an inspiration..

whats an inspiration? it can be described by a million people by 100 of ways each.. i being a narcissists only talk about myself.. for me inspiration is a persons hatted towards me.. we all make choices.. we make choices which we know are wrong.. which we know will hurt some one who loved us a lot.. we make choices that make the most important people in our lives abhor us..

for me that detestation is an inspiration.. for me that scorn in the words of a human being who is the most important person in the world for me is like gasoline in an 1000 bhp engine.. i m a creature who lives on misery and hate.. I'm not a sadist nor a masochist.. Im just some one for whom making a decision is tough.. but keeping is NOT... may u have all the help u need in ur life.. and may u get what ever u ever wanted..

we are not enemies, but friends..

I just saw one of the best movie of my 26 year of life... it goes by the name AMERICAN HISTORY X... it moved me.. it made me think.. strong enough to fill the heart with grief.. sure it has a one of the best performances by edward nortan.. but the story just make u heavy.. the message is loud and clear.. hatred is baggage.. lose it.. its no good being pissed off all the time.. we all become angry and we find some thing or some one to blame it on.. but then as it is said are we asking the right question?.. the right question is did we do any thing to make life better? for us and for the people around us???

God knows i have done my share of mistakes. I have been selfish, and i have been angry.. i have broken hearts.. and i have given pain in return of love.. i repent.. i repent every day.. and i shall till the day i take my last breath...

"we are not enemies, but friends. we must not be enemies tho passions may have strained. they must not break our bonds of affection. the mystic cords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be by the better Angels of our nature"- Abe Lincoln....

i hate them...

sorry about the language below.. but im madddddd!!!!.....fuck**g enuchs.. these bastards.. come into my country and and fuck with our lives... and the government is enuchs.. nothing better.. i waanna anihalate the whole source of these tension.. kashmiris wanna freedom let them take it.. let them live in a economy which cant even providee them with one time of food.. im infuriated.. im angry... im mad enough to go to the opposite side And nuke their life out.. and our 500 year old p.m says to keep peace.. i have one question.. "are u out of ur mind??".. they holled up tow buildings in us and they removed 2 counteries from the map of US.. and what do we do.. just pary for peace.. i say fuck you!!!... u dont have guts enough? then move out.. i want some one with enough "balls" to let the otherside remember where they stand.. the leaders may belive in peace.. i belive in retalition... go be dammed.. if worse comes i will go and fuck them as well as u leaders.. ur nothing but wote bank politicians.. bloddy morons all u want is power.. and u use them against us.. if u have enough guts then show it agianst the one who dare to voilate our houselimits.. u morons enough of eating free food.. i know 70% of india elects u on the basis of free dood and drinks.. but the change is enevitable.. u may or may not remember what it was like to be naive... be cautious.. coz its me who warns u... change doesnt needs centutries to take place.. it happens in blink of eye.. sweet dreams...

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed

Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone

Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain

An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?

And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with

The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night

While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight

You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate

You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take

So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind

And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave

Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made

And like a baby boy I never was a man

Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand

And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"

Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be

And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today

Hate me tomorrow

Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways

Yeah ways hard to swallow

Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

born with "gear" in my mouth....

This is a post after months.. the tittle of the blog is what i said to my dear friend after getting super happy... it was an answer to the question when he asked what im gonna do in future.. well i was born that way.. and with all the craze going on about managment degrees, im immuned to that.. i may get into a one of those "MBA" colleges but i will surely fail, every year after that and in every subject.. because "i was born with a gear in my mouth".. he he he he....

well im a man of numbers and logic.. i like to know how things work.. not manage them... physics books were and still are comparable to my all time favourite fictions.. im an engg.. can feel it in my veins.... i sleep off as soon as some one starts talking abt economics, credit and debit.... so this blog is three cheerss to all those guys and gals who were, are or going to be what we call Engineers......

Life!!!! do we know IT??????

well...
im not writing this coz some day some one will see it.. those are not my intentions... the last one i wrote was only viewed by the people whom i told abt it.. soo naturally i dont have any hopes on this one.. im writing it coz it helps me sometimes to write down stuff when my heart and mind are full of thoughts... and mine are right now... so here we go...

many a times i have felt that we think that we are capable of some thing when actually we are not!!!
we think and plan and think some more and look at it from a broader prospective and say it may be hard but in the end i wil come out a winner.. well, every one is a winner in a broader prospective.. on our death beds we hardly have any doubts or regrets.. (not that i have been on one.. :) )... its the tiny small details which we over look can kil us.. those small small problems which come up.. those seamingly innocent questions which we didnt accept... those tiny objections raised by important people.. its not that we dont overcome that.. some times it takes a small portion of time, other times they stretch.... its just the persistances with which they attack u thats kiils ur moral.. u ward off one another comes up.. in my eyes a better fighter is not some one who kiled a huge giant but a persone who stood his guard and stopped one tiny enemy after another for a infinetly long time.. most of the time its not the strenght but the stamina which counts... so ask yourself before u prepare for a war.. do i have that stamina??? how long can i take it?..

well i have asked the question and found out that yes i have.. when ever u are at the rock bottom, think of the sky u will see after pushing the earth aside... that one short visison will make u continue for a very very long time.... have faith.. in urself, in ur plans, and stategies, in ur co warriors and in that broader prespective when u said i can come out a winner....

and while all this goes on dont forget to enjoy the life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a little hallucinations

Well this is hw it all started..

one fine evening i get a call to come to my freinds house for a treat of magic mushrooms... i being a creature who consumes any thing and every thing under the sun which makes ur brain do summersalut grabed this oportunity on the first invite. By the time i reached there after an hectic day of work the bread was ready with jam and hot tea with lots of sugar was boiling on fire. Firt impression was a disaaponting one... for they are not fresh healhy mushs plucked and ready for cooking.. they were these dried messhed up bunch.. which will kill all ur apatite on the first sight.. adment as i was i went ahead.. placed close to a dozzen between slices of bread and pushed it down my neck.. for those of u used to other forms of poision this could be a little strange.. coz its not drank,smoked or injected to give u instant kick.. mushs being protein will take time to dijest... for first half hour came very close to beleiving them to be fake.. but i was not so lucky.. slowly it grips u.. the back of the head becomes heavy enough to hold straight.... u start laughing for no reasones at all... infact the people around u have more fun than u do.... as the clock ticks u could be scared of things as innocent as a riding helmet for u can see demons inside them... movement is difficult and proportions change with ur position.. on standing on ur both feets(which is whole lot diffrent expereince.. he he) the ceeling will come very close and people will grow taller.. a clear room may be smoke filled... sense of times is lost.. one hour will seem like a whole day and stuff done hours before could very well come become a part of sweet nostalgia.... finaly i decided to take a trip up a spiral staircase to the roof.. we purposely didnt turn on the lights... i cant describe the trip up to the roof.. only thing i can tell u is that i would have never been able to make it till the top of the stairs all alone,not even with my body movements in proper co-ordinations.. once on the top the hallucinations started.. well the faces could be seen stairing at u from the trees and the distance to the ground is conceived verry much acheiveable in one step.... after some 5 hours of nothing but pure bliss.. u become nostalgic.. and i mean really nostalgic.. coz i remembered the time when i was around 2.5 to 3 years old.. ( i later confirmed the memories with my mothere).. then sleep became the rarest of all metals... some hw i convinced myself to sleep.. in between i took a long walk in serach of coke, buts that an alltogether diffrent story for some other time....

a word of caultion for some one trying to do magic mushs.. dont heat them in any form.. that will spoil them.. do them in dark or isolated place.. and keep good music handy...see u till the next time... cheerrrrsssss